What year is it?
I feel like time is no longer a real thing. I wake up wondering what day it is more than I should. It just feels like life is speeding up and I can't get a grasp on it. How do I slow down?
A lot has happened since my last post. 2022 was a hard year for me, mentally. Starting off with COVID really changed my mindset and I didn't realize it until I was too far gone. Talk about 'fake it till ya make it'. I lost all motivation for everything. I fell off of my routines. I dropped all the endeavours I set out to accomplish. I didn't even recognize myself. I never went to see anyone, but I'm pretty sure I was depressed/burnt out.
The year 2022 started off on a low note. I tested positive for COVID on December 29th, 2021. It took me over two weeks to rid the headache and feel like a human again. When I got back to teaching and working out, I was incredibly fatigued. It wasn't my body. It wasn't my mindset. Was this my new identity? What happened to my motivation?
I postponed plans of launching my virtual library due to not having enough content and then fell off completely when I no longer had the motivation to even create content which later turned into a mindset of 'I'm not good enough to launch this'. What a mess.
We lost a dear friend in April of that year. All I could feel was anger. I was so angry at the world. At the medical field. At the lack of care and awareness for women's health. I was SO angry. Usually I would turn to fitness as a way to move the emotions out of my body but once again, where was the motivation? I let those feelings just sit and fester.
I added on a new role in my career in August. It should've been a highlight. It was something I was meant to do. I knew I belonged in that role. But it was too much. I couldn't juggle the full capacity of that role while also tending to the other two jobs I have. I was forced to let go of a position I held for almost two years. It was taken off my plate for me when I couldn't uphold my responsibilities due to taking on too much. Another notch on the identity crisis belt. What was happening?
A friendship that was becoming something pretty special took a detour and never came back. I've always struggled with genuine female friendships and for the past few years it's felt like everytime I open up and pour myself into creating something real and meaningful, it somehow finds a way to slap me in the face with reality. They weren't really my friend. Or maybe they just got sick of me? In conclusion, ya girl is back to being guarded.
With all that said, I ended the year with a visit from my parents and a kiss at midnight from the only person who has been through it all with me. I was ready to start the new year with a new (or familiar) mindset. It's taken a few months and some changes with time management, but I am finally starting to feel like myself again.
I am putting it here for the world to see and to keep me accountable... My Virtual Library will be launched by the end of the year. So stay tuned :)
More posts on the horizon...
Until next time,